To Everything Turn, Turn, Turn

Here I am, giving my paddle a hard stare. Notice my extra sleek purple boat
- had I noticed the words 'Super Sport' written on the front in time, I would never have got in

It's taken me a while to get to writing about this, and to be honest, I'd really rather not, cos in doing so I have to think about what happened and that brings it all back again, and I'd kind of like to pretend that what happened didn't happen, but it did. And it scared me. Forgive me if I sound a little dramatic (very uncharacteristic of me, I know) but I think I almost died about 2 weeks ago. (I told you it sounded dramatic). Due to the fact that I need to design a new holiday brochure for next summer, I've been taking loads of photos of the guests this summer and therefore, watching a whole range of activities that they get involved in. I had photos of most things, but kayaking was one thing I still needed. Rich (the sports manager) had suggested that I go with him the next time he took a group and I agreed but completely forgot about it. He asked me just as they were leaving, and after a bit of deliberating, I decided to go. He even said they had a spare kayak because one of the guest team (mike) who usually joins in had a bad back and so would just be spectating. Even though I didn't feel very prepared, I said I'd have a go cos its something I've always wanted to do, however, a few times before we got into the water, I changed my mind, cos I wasn't very prepared (wearing the right clothes etc.) but was talked into it each time. On the way, I asked Rich how often people actually fell into the water, more out of concern of losing my glasses than getting wet, but he reassured me by saying it hardly ever happened because these boats were so stable. It was a beautiful sunny day and when we got to the park on lake Windermere there were plenty of people around eating picnics and playing in the water. Rich gave us some basic instruction while we practiced our paddling (on the grass). He also told us about the equipment, including the 'skirts' that we were wearing, (the bits that go round your waist and clip over the opening of the kayak), warning us that they were very good for keeping the water out, but could actually kill you if you weren't able to release them. We practiced getting out, although not with the skirts attached, and Rich made a point of stopping us, so that we would notice where our hands were on the boat, in order to get out in an emergency. By this point, I had noticed that my kayak was different to everyone elses, apart from being a different colour, mine was sleeker and lower and the back part curved the other way to everyone elses, including Rich's. When I mentioned it, Rich did say that actually what he'd said in the bus about the boats being very stable was true for the others, but not for mine, and that mine would roll very easily. He still didn't seem bothered, so I guessed I'd be ok. Everyone else was launched into the water one at a time. As Mike and I struggled to attach my skirt, (which again was different to the others'), I was also told that it would be really hard to take off, but was better than the others cos it wouldn't let any water in. Not having much choice now, I was shoved into the water. I started paddling and within about 30 seconds my boat began to turn too far to the right, so I tried to correct it and before I knew what was happening, felt myself going under the water. The boat rolled so quickly and unexpectedly that I didn't even think to take a deep breath as I went, and with the water temperature, shock etc, I ended up gulping a mixture of air and most of the lake. Typically, my first thought was how stupid I looked and how embarrassing this all was, the staff member, in front of all these people and I'd only been in the boat about a minute. This thought didn't last for long, as complete panic set in when I realised I didn't have any air in my lungs. My first reaction was to try to twist sideways to get my head out of the water, which of course didn't work. I don't know if I could just see light or if I actually was close to the surface, but I was convinced that if I could just stick my head up a bit more I'd be able to get my mouth out and breathe. But like I said, it didn't work, not even with my Mick Jagger lips. At this point, another aspect of my personality took over and I realised that I had to stop twisting and fighting and get out properly, at first I tried wriggling and when that didn't work, I actually thought about what Rich had said about our hands and remembered I had to push behind me. I started pushing for all I was worth, but because the skirt was still attached it just kept sucking me back in. The rational me could only hold the panicking me off for so long, before desperation would take over again, and have me twisting and trying again to get my head out. When neither of these two techniques worked, a third side took over, which just said, Ok, this is the end. It's no good, you can't get out of this, this is it. Of course my lungs were going beserk through this whole process, trying desperately to pull air in while my mouth was tightly shut and wasn't giving in either. Rich's word's came back to me about how people can die from the skirt not being released and at this point I realised I had to get it off. I knew there was some strap across the front (which Mike had causally mentioned just before he pushed me in, when I asked what it was for). I began scrabbling around for the strap and all of a sudden the skirt popped off and I shot to the surface like a rocket, with an almighty breath of air, not to mention lots of coughing and spluttering. The relief was incredible, I think I even started to laugh. I really don't know how long the whole thing lasted for, but it seemed like an eternity for me. Apparently the picnicking people were even starting to worry, so I think it was more than just a few seconds. I don't know either if Rich saved me or if I managed to get the strap and release the skirt myself, cos apparently he was trying to reach round and pull it too. All I know is I thought I was going to die and then I didn't. It was a really horrible experience one I wouldn't like to repeat. It was like everything in me was screaming without making a sound. I did even wonder if anyone else had even noticed that I was upside down. After a bit of convincing from Mike, I got back in the boat and paddled up the river with the others (minus my skirt) and there was an aspect of it that I did enjoy, although the boat was difficult to control and I was quite scared about going over again, which almost happened several times. For the rest of that day, in fact the weekend after (it was a friday) I was a bit spooked. Kind of quiet and sitting about staring, going over it all again and again. Something that bothered me, and kind of still does is that I didn't pray or think about God at all - although I keep reassuring myself with the thought that I didn't have time, and I was just thinking about me. I do wonder how close I did actually come to dying though and that makes me think how easily death can happen and in just a second life as we know it can all be over. So, have I been spared for a reason?? Dougie said its so I can finish the holiday brochure. Its kind of weird and reassuring to think that that obviously wasn't my time to go, which is still a bit of a wonky reassurance, cos who's to say that today isn't my time instead? Who's to say that any one of us won' t be around by morning. I guess the good thing is that it's sobering and good to put things in perspective. Its good to know that life and death aren't just happening haphazardly. Its good to know that even though I wasn't thinking about God, He was thinking about me.