faffin

You may have heard the expression "We might not all be faffers at art, but we're all faffers at heart". I have a dissertation to begin and I am faffing, which of course is why I'm updating my blog after so long a silence. The above photos were taken on a trip to the library, which again turned into a way to avoid doing something. As an attempt to avoid beginning and yet still ease my conscience I was looking through some lecture notes on written assingments and thought the following was quite interesting and possibly an explanation for why I find it so tricky...

Perfectionism refers to self-defeating thoughts and behaviours associated with having unrealistically high aims and aspirations. Perfectionists have generally learned early on in life that they were accepted, valued or loved mainly for their achievements. As a result their self-esteem tends to be dependent on other people’s approval. 

This can leave a person vulnerable and sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. Striving for perfection may be understood as a way of coping with this. 

In my experience perfectionist attitudes tend to interfere with academic success rather than promote it. 

The quest for perfection is often closely associated with the following:

• The fear of failure: Perfectionists often connect the failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
• The fear of making mistakes: Perfectionists often equate mistakes with humiliating failure. In building their lives around avoiding mistakes,
• perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
• The fear of disapproval: Perfectionists often fear that if they let others see their flaws or vulnerability they will be rejected. Trying to be perfect is a way of protecting ourselves from this. 
• All-or-nothing thinking: Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. A critical comment from a tutor is not evidence of personal failure, although it may well be experienced as such.
• An over-emphasis on ‘should’s’, ‘must’s’ and ‘ought to’s’: What I would  call super-ego words. Perfectionists often live with an endless list of rigid rules that they must obey at all costs. With the emphasis always being on how everything has to be done, perfectionists rarely pay attention to what they feel like doing.
• The fear of never being good enough: Perfectionists tend to see others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, little emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.  - David Edwards

The notion that I might just be a perfectionist isn't a new one for me, but I think I possibly viewed it in a positive way rather than a negative one, or at least didn't realise its effects could be disabling. In a sense it's something that I've come up against again and again this year on my course. We are usually given theories and some principles about something (whether it be an assignment, or clinical practice) but the actual way you do it is left up to you, which means for someone who like myself who is looking to be as close to perfect as possible (or at least to know what is' right' or expected) is left struggling with the notion of 'good enough'. This phrase comes up all the time and is both frustrating and liberating. It is interesting to think about these things though, and the reasons they are there - although not when I'm sposed to be doing something else of course.