Friday (written in my kitchen)
Sorry its late - went home for the Easter weekend. Here's the final bit...
Henri - talked about the sadness of losing loved ones while remembering the things they liked, like the changing of seasons. Contrasted with the truth that 'unless a grain of wheat fall to the ground and dies...' Thinking of Easter, death resurrection, sorrow and joy.
Today has been so filled with nervousness and unknowns that i've found it so very difficult to know God and His peace. I felt frustrated at myself of being so nervous when I didn't want to be - wanted to be excited and to see the day as a positive experience, of my own choosing. Caught the train at 10am. Had a reserved seat, but it was going backwards. It makes me feel quite sick. Discovered if I closed my eyes it was better and I could almost even convince myself that i was going forward - since most of the motion is up and down, or side to side. Thought it was a bit like praying - not that we're fooling ourselves, just that its a struggle to concentrate when the signals round about are telling us that things are different/going in a different direction. Eventually got to move seats and face the right way, felt better instantly. Ate picnic dinner in the drafty station and got a taxi (a woman driver!) to the art school. I think I met Paul Martin (the painting course leader) - although he didn't tell me his name. He took my portfolio without me knowing, so when i went into the room, after a cup of hot water, he'd already looked at it. I felt a little out of control because of that, but didn't feel nervous and enjoyed talking with him. He looked like Gandhi, with shaved white hair and round gold spectacles. I noticed he had a fleck of orange paint over one eye and a yellow dab on one trouser leg. He blew his nose on an old rag because he had cold and couldn't find a tissue! It felt more like going to the Drs. than having an interview - like I told him what was wrong with me/my artwork and he told me what could be done about it. He was really interesting and a bit mysterious, gentle yet very honest. I think he only asked me about 3 questions, the rest of the time he spoke. It did make me want to go, although it still doesn't make sense, sense. On the train back thought about how in 'Let Your Life Speak' Paker Palmer makes some comment about how it wasn't him who chose his life, but his life chose him - something like that! Feel like that applies - if I get accepted. I think I had hoped that today would be the end of this idea and I could get on with things as usual - feel a bit more like its gone the other way, although I have this funny feeling that I won't be accepted. So, feel quite peaceful and glad all the worry is over (for a while) and that everything worked out so well with transport, trains, taxi, bus etc. I know God sorted it all out, as He does.
By the way, after all my excitement, disappointment, stress etc. over the paintings yesterday, he didn't even look at the one I took!! (it was wrapped up in plastic and he didn't even open it!) - thought maybe God was teaching me a lesson!
Henri - talked about the sadness of losing loved ones while remembering the things they liked, like the changing of seasons. Contrasted with the truth that 'unless a grain of wheat fall to the ground and dies...' Thinking of Easter, death resurrection, sorrow and joy.
Today has been so filled with nervousness and unknowns that i've found it so very difficult to know God and His peace. I felt frustrated at myself of being so nervous when I didn't want to be - wanted to be excited and to see the day as a positive experience, of my own choosing. Caught the train at 10am. Had a reserved seat, but it was going backwards. It makes me feel quite sick. Discovered if I closed my eyes it was better and I could almost even convince myself that i was going forward - since most of the motion is up and down, or side to side. Thought it was a bit like praying - not that we're fooling ourselves, just that its a struggle to concentrate when the signals round about are telling us that things are different/going in a different direction. Eventually got to move seats and face the right way, felt better instantly. Ate picnic dinner in the drafty station and got a taxi (a woman driver!) to the art school. I think I met Paul Martin (the painting course leader) - although he didn't tell me his name. He took my portfolio without me knowing, so when i went into the room, after a cup of hot water, he'd already looked at it. I felt a little out of control because of that, but didn't feel nervous and enjoyed talking with him. He looked like Gandhi, with shaved white hair and round gold spectacles. I noticed he had a fleck of orange paint over one eye and a yellow dab on one trouser leg. He blew his nose on an old rag because he had cold and couldn't find a tissue! It felt more like going to the Drs. than having an interview - like I told him what was wrong with me/my artwork and he told me what could be done about it. He was really interesting and a bit mysterious, gentle yet very honest. I think he only asked me about 3 questions, the rest of the time he spoke. It did make me want to go, although it still doesn't make sense, sense. On the train back thought about how in 'Let Your Life Speak' Paker Palmer makes some comment about how it wasn't him who chose his life, but his life chose him - something like that! Feel like that applies - if I get accepted. I think I had hoped that today would be the end of this idea and I could get on with things as usual - feel a bit more like its gone the other way, although I have this funny feeling that I won't be accepted. So, feel quite peaceful and glad all the worry is over (for a while) and that everything worked out so well with transport, trains, taxi, bus etc. I know God sorted it all out, as He does.
By the way, after all my excitement, disappointment, stress etc. over the paintings yesterday, he didn't even look at the one I took!! (it was wrapped up in plastic and he didn't even open it!) - thought maybe God was teaching me a lesson!
2 comments:
hahaha that is just like our hevenly Father isn't it. An obvious reminder that He is in control and we, quite definitely, are not.
Sounds 'citing! i'm excited to hear what the ultimate outcome will be. Hope you had a fantastic easter. interesting about him not looking at the painting.. i submitted some work to a juried show recently and the piece i most expected to get in (a scarf that i made in my weaving class) i don't think the juror even looked at it.. i had it rolled up and when i picked it back up it was still rolled up! GRIN!
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