Tuesday (written at Waterslack coffee shop)

reflections:

Henri - we need Jesus to come to us and fully meet our needs then we will stop wanting others to satisfy us. Very true. He prays Jesus would come, really come. I always thought it was just me doing something wrong.

Today has been so much harder than yesterday. Didn't sleep well, couldn't get up and consequently feel restless and irritable. Walked Rydal water - beautiful, although too many people. Even now there's too much other stuff going on, hard to concentrate, even harder to pray/meditate/think about God. Think I got lost on my way back to the car today - got frustrated and worried I wouldn't make it back before the ticket ran out. Really enjoyed my picnic again though. Sat on tree roots over looking the lake. Can't think what God could have been saying to me - except pointing out that I'm a miserable nowt. Today seemed very 'human', down to earth. Scenery was stunning again, and weather was warm and sunny - really the warmest day so far. Realise that even when I'm having a 'spiritual high' my humanity (+sin) is never far behind. Today has been much harder to know God's peace. Think I'm blaming others when really its cos of my lack of concentration. People's conversations round about me are depressing - I don't want to hear them. They are human, normal, base. Of course I'm no different, maybe that's why I don't want to hear them, don't want the reminder. Tried not to speak today. Thought it might be good to have a day of silence, a day without the sound of my own voice. Occasionally I forgot and blurted something out to myself - usually a complaint or criticism or someone else. Almost Humiliating to realise that they are the only things coming out of my mouth. On part of my walk I went into St. Mary's church at Rydal. Felt like I should have felt something/had an encounter. All I was thinking about was how I would look if someone came in. Hard to pray. Wasn't any more aware of God there than on the mountain. Liked the stained glass. Wanted to try singing but didn't. Feel a bit conspicuous here. People are cleaning up round about me. What is God telling me? What do I know if Him from today? Birdsong and breezes.
1. Cor 15:31 "I die daily". Read the chapter this a.m. but didn't notice that. Don't understand the context, but maybe today God was letting me know I haven't died today. Hence my awareness of humanity/sin and not Him.

photos:

my dining spot

dora's field - i've never seen so many daffs

st. mary's inside

and out

psalm:

Denying my Dust
Surrounded by dust we both know my own making
Dry pathways and fences and stones falling down
Behind and before are the words of the weary ones
They drone and the grumble whilst asking for more
Secure in my doubts I am questioning reason
My guide is deceptive my sentinels false
Beside the calm lake in the arms of a sycamore
Your goodness returns to me, stilling my soul
A meadow of trumpets all bowing celestially
Stories in windows my face is described
Returning you wait in the haze of a summer sun
Ministering wholeness and cleansing and life
Denying my dust is the call you have set for me
Raising my eye as the flowers have learned
Unknown for a season the stream now becomes a path
Echos of love spread your whispers of grace.

sketch:


summing up:

I am part of a fallen people, living among a cursed creation - its effects are sometimes latent but never far away. Jesus chose to enter into this, to die for this. He brings life and redemption. I must choose it, choose Him without looking back.