Wednesday (written at Abbot Hall Kendal)

reflections:

Henri- we often (always) want God to speak in incredible/spectacular ways and when He doesn't, we think He's not doing anything. This isn't true - we need to recognise Him and His gentleness, be thankful for how He speaks personally and in a way that fits our individual temperaments.

I am writing this while sitting in the Howard Hodgkin exhibition. I'm irritated that it cost me £5, although I had already prepared myself before I came (and accepted it!). I struggle with a lot of these images. I find a lot of the marks ugly and unpleasant. Somehow I struggle to believe there are meanings behind them, although the catalogue tells me there are. I wonder if he could draw realistically. A lot of the time I don't even like his use of colour. This is a small gallery. I am sitting in a bay window on a wooden bench with sunlight warm on my back. A man is carefully looking at each work. His breathing is very loud. I wonder what he thinks. There is something about this work that makes me instantly want to dismiss it. I find the marks so ugly. Maybe these were more about the process - certainly the creation seems important for him - maybe more than the result? I can relate to the immediacy of them, the mixing techniques and the drawn, painterly quality. I have realised that I struggle with his use of geometric shapes - find them harsh and out of place. This colour is also a bit wonky. They all seem to work better collectively and from a distance. (like 10 miles!!!)

Today everything is different again. The weather is colder, still sunny but with a fresh wind. The haze is thicker, obscuring what I know to be the view. I am fasting, I am hungry and that changes my perspective. I thought I was going to faint while climbing Arnside Knott. Listening to what's around me. Seagulls are the familiar sound of home, my history. My stomach complains, a sound of my flesh, my present, my physical self - I know it well. From the woods unknown birds are calling - sounds I would associate with foreign places - my future? Beyond all this I am certain again of God's presence. The warmth, the breeze, somehow it seems focused on me. Again that circle surrounds. I feel like this is how my life should be. These are how my days should be. I don't know how Capernwray fits with this. Read the book of Ruth today. There seems to be no record of praying or asking God what to do in the whole story. The phrase, "...and she happened to come to the portion of the field belonging to Boaz..." stood out. Seems like it was 'chance'. If she hadn't come to that field everything might have been different. It makes me think that not everything has to be worked out/planned. I wonder if sometimes we slow God down, or get in His way trying to have everything organised. In the story, the rest seemed to just happen according to tradition and people following their hearts.

After almost fainting for a second time, I decided to break the fast and eat tea. Instead of feeling good, satisfied, energised, I just feel a bit disappointed with myself. Having said that, I don't really know why I was fasting, except cos it was something I thought was right. It always turns into an issue about my will and not much about God. Don't know why we are supposed to fast, or how to do it.

Today I passed two old men on the hill top, sitting together looking at the view, that should have been there, smoking pipes. A white dog at one side, a black one at the other. Their friendship seemed touching. They had done their part, and now they were sitting back, watching. Hope I can do the sme when I'm their age - hope I have a friend to sit with. Decide to take a different path down to normal. Saw a sign for Arnside tower and have always intended to go there, so did. After a bit of walking I realised that I was alone in the woods and all of sudden felt unsafe. Funny how I was in a familiar place taking a new path and it scared me. Almost turned back twice.

art:

nicked these pix off the internet - they're mr. hodgkins' work

they look better here than they did in real life!

photos:

saw a patch of stones where it looked like someone had tried to build a cairn, so i made a tower

tower and wall (i didn't build the wall though)

how i left things

the arrow wasn't in the sky at the time

disappointing arnside tower

the slightly better side

psalm:

The beast inside is growling
My strength forgotten, reeling
Connecting calls with birds and men and stones and stars and breezes
Piles of rocks and painters dots
A cut out sun for everyone
The path of fear might bring us clear a ruined tower crumbling
A ring will sing of constancy, a love and life of rising
A chance unknown to feed a home
Prepare a King to share within
To heal our holes and mend our woes
In tones unlike our voices.

sketch:

in the style of Howard (i didn't try very hard)

summing up:

God doesn't do things the way we think (or often want). But He does tailor His 'messages' to us individually - that's very cool and shows something of His character, how He knows us so well and can speak so personally. He is also creative and imaginative, of course, He invented them! He doesn't change and His peace, presence, love are wherever I am. He knows the paths I don't.